I'm not quite sure where to begin with this post. My thoughts have been swirling around for a while, so forgive the jumble of ideas.
In short, we're getting ready for another round of IVF this summer. If all goes according to plan, I'll start injections in the beginning of July and we'll transfer embryos the first week of August.
My feelings regarding this process are quite different from the first time we went through this.
Before Marie, it felt like there was a hole in my heart that ached for a baby. Before, there was longing and desperation and tears and anguish each month that we didn't get pregnant. Before, I was fragile; prone to shatter at news of a pregnancy announcement or the passing of Mother's Day or even seeing a woman rock her baby.
When we went through the first round of IVF, I convinced myself that it had to work -- after all we'd been through, I couldn't allow myself to dwell on the possibility that it would fail.
And obviously, it did work. All of the pain and waiting paid off. Marie has healed our broken hearts. She has brought laughter and delight and sunshine into our lives. And yes, she can be frustrating sometimes, but overall she is such a joy and has a positive countenance that everyone loves to be around. We have been blessed beyond measure, and I am in awe each day for the miracle she is.
So now that we're gearing up for round two, my feelings have changed. Instead of the agonizing desperation for a baby, I look at other newborns and think, "I want another one." I'm no longer rocked to the core when I see pregnant women or babies. I look forward to feeling a baby move inside me and newborn snuggles and first smiles and other milestones.
But as far as the whole IVF process goes, I mostly feel worry -- we've been so blessed already, how could we hope to have the same thing happen twice? And my mind is full of "what ifs?"
What if the embryos don't survive the thaw?
What if they survive the thaw but don't implant?
What if one does implant, but then I miscarry?
What if they both implant, but I lose one like last time?
What if I get pregnant, carry the baby to term, but then have a stillborn?
What if we end up with twins?
Naturally, that last one is definitely the most preferable of all those possibilities, but after raising one baby to toddlerhood, having twins is something I no longer really desire. We basically have to transfer two embryos, though -- we only have two left, and they're frozen together in the same tube. If we defrosted both, and refroze one of them, the chance that it could later develop into a baby is around 10 percent. We decided the odds weren't worth it, and we may as well transfer both.
Apparently since we did our first round of IVF, the clinic now freezes the best three embryos individually and the rest of the embryos in pairs (if you're fortunate enough to have more than 3 make it to freezing, I suppose). I kind of wish they had frozen our embryos individually so we at least had the option of transferring one. Because if we transfer both and it fails, I don't know when we'll next be able to go through the whole process again. It would require doing another egg retrieval, and all of the appointments involved is not really conducive to a teacher's schedule.
And if it fails, will I really be able to put myself through the whole process again?
