This morning I had my screening ultrasound to make sure everything looks a-okay before the embryo transfer in one week. With the morning traffic, it took about 50 minutes to get to the clinic and about 3 minutes for the ultrasound. (As the clinic is really close to the hospital I gave birth at with Marie, I'm feeling quite glad we decided to change networks -- I can't imagine being in the car that long while in labor!) My ovaries are free of cysts and my endometrial lining is "trilaminar," which basically means it has three layers, which is what they're looking for. They were also looking for a thickness above 7.5 millimeters, and mine was 8.7 mm, so that's encouraging.

After the ultrasound I met with the nurse to go over the protocol for the rest of the cycle. Apparently the dose of progesterone I need to take this time is double the dose I took last time -- since my ovaries have been suppressed this whole time, they aren't making any progesterone on their own. I won't lie -- I watched the injection training video last night and started getting some major anxiety about these shots, so hearing that news did not make me feel any better! The nurse also took her pen and drew circles on my hips to show the appropriate locations for the injections. I wish they had done that last time -- after looking at the placement, we definitely did not do the shots in the right spot three years ago. Good thing it still worked! I think I may have Jacob re-draw them every few days so they don't fade too much.

Anyway, I got home and showed Jacob the circles, which is when I noticed for the first time that she had drawn frowny faces inside each one. The nurse mentioned that my "hips would start twitching" (comforting, no?) so I suppose that was her way of expressing sympathy? Marie saw them and immediately requested that she get faces on her back, too. Ha!

I am a little nervous about the possibility of Marie watching the progesterone injections. She's watched a couple of the Lupron ones and hasn't seemed to care, but those needles are small and I don't usually have much of a reaction to them. The progesterone ones, though, are a different story. So I'm trying to figure out what time of day we should do them. It can't be during her nap because I go back to work in three weeks, and if I get pregnant we'll need to do them probably through the end of September. We could potentially do them in the evening after she goes to bed, but on occasion I have activities in the evening that take me away from home. The other option is to do them before she wakes up in the morning, but since she wakes up early -- usually 6:30 or earlier -- that would require waking up quite early for it still being summer break! Maybe we'll just end up distracting her with Youtube in the morning and then do them in our bedroom or something.

Anyway, I found out that they'll do the beta blood test twelve days after the transfer, which would be August 14th, three days before I go back to work. I did buy three cheap pregnancy tests after my appointment today, so I'll probably start testing around August 10th or so just to get an idea whether it worked or not. I'd like some preparation either way before the fateful phone call we get.

To think -- in just over two weeks, we could find out we're having a baby! (Or . . . not, but let's not dwell on those thoughts too much.)

As of tomorrow, I will have officially taken three weeks' worth of Lupron injections. I also started taking Estrace about a week and a half ago. This is in pill form, and I started with taking 1/2 a pill, two times a day, for a full week. Now I'm up to a full pill, three times a day, and will continue to do so for a full week. Then it goes back to the original dose. I have alarms set on my phone to go off three times a day and everything organized in one of those pill containers with the days of the week on them to help me remember everything I need to take. It makes me feel . . . somewhat elderly. :)

I have my screening ultrasound this coming Tuesday, and I received a message from my nurse saying we're planning the transfer the Tuesday after that! Along with that, though, we officially start the PIO (progesterone in oil) injections this coming Thursday, which Jacob and I refer to as "the bum shots." And if I get pregnant (pleasepleaseplease), those will likely continue until mid-September. Shudder.

With all of this looming closer, I've been researching different OBGYNs, midwives, and hospitals like a crazy person. I liked the OBGYN I had with Marie, but his clinic and the hospital were both a half an hour away, and I just don't really want to make that much of a drive for each appointment. Plus, since I had a pretty fast labor with Marie, I don't want to chance not making it to the hospital in time. Since 'tis the season for Open Enrollment, we're planning to change networks to have more conveniently-located providers. I think we're set on the hospital I'd like to deliver at, based largely on word-of-mouth and Google searches, and it's only about 15 minutes away from our apartment. I'm still not sure whether I want to go with a midwife or an OBGYN -- I kind of like the idea of having a midwife. Although I suppose that idea will likely crumble into a million smithereens if we have twins, so I suppose we'll wait and see before making any decisions.

Today was my last day taking birth control. According to my FET calendar, that means I should expect my period to start sometime within the next week. And this is on top of the consistent breakthrough bleeding that's been happening for the last 3 weeks.

WILL THE BLEEDING NEVER CEASE?!?

It's really starting to get a girl down.

In other news, I'm starting to feel some of side effects from the Lupron, namely occasional mild nausea/upset stomach, breast tenderness, and the related problems of trouble sleeping, increased urination at night, and tiredness.

I was looking up Lupron to see if increased weepiness was a side effect, but apparently it's just the side effect of potty training after getting very little sleep the night before. I was full-on ugly crying after Marie had a huge accident this morning -- she woke up with a dry diaper, which was awesome, but didn't pee on the potty when I set her on it. And then of course once she got off and put her shorts back on, it all came rushing out like a waterfall. Much like my tears. Life didn't seem so bleak after I had a nap, though.

Here we go again

Our FET (frozen embryo transfer) cycle has officially begun. Not that I think this post will be any entertaining reading, but here's what we've done so far.

I had to start birth control on day three of my period in June, so I've been on that for the past three and a half weeks and have experienced, much to my chagrin, "breakthrough bleeding" for the last two weeks or more. So out of the last four weeks I've basically been bleeding for three of them, which is super annoying.

A few weeks ago I had a blood test to check my thyroid levels, which turned out just fine. That marked the first needle of many I'm to encounter this go around -- but it definitely won't be as many as last time!

A little over a week ago I had a sonohysterogram and a trial transfer, basically to determine what my uterus looks like and make sure the catheter has a clear pathway to transfer the embryos when the time comes. Before they could do the procedure, they had me take a pregnancy test. Wouldn't that have been a shock if it came back positive, especially after being on birth control! But, to no one's surprise, it was negative. The RE said everything looks great and we can proceed as scheduled.

Now this is the part where I was getting all sorts of angsty. We had our initial consultation with our doctor in February, but since we were planning having the transfer in August, it was too far away to get scheduled on the calendar. One of the nurses contacted me in April so we could get the calendar hashed out, and she mentioned that she sent my prescription over to the pharmacy. I wasn't worried about getting the medications right then, since I knew we wouldn't need them until the summer. Right around this time, my phone broke, and I didn't bother getting a replacement until two months later, along with a new phone number.

At that point, I started wondering if the pharmacy had tried calling me on my old number, so I called to check the status of my prescriptions -- only to find out that they hadn't had anything on my file since the first time we did IVF.

So I sent a message to my nurse, asking if we had to pay for the cycle before we could get the prescription filled,  since we hadn't done that yet. She didn't respond, but I had to call and schedule my sonohysterogram anyway, and I was able to get transferred to her afterward. She said that she wouldn't be able to send the prescription over until after my appointment.

We paid for the cycle at my appointment on the 24th (side note: it was so much cheaper this time -- it cost a little over $3,000 opposed to close to $20,000), and afterward the nurse then said that she couldn't send the prescription over until the following Wednesday, citing some reason that that was the day my doctor held appointments at the hospital and could therefore review the medications. She said she'd schedule me for an "appointment" Wednesday morning that I didn't have to attend, so that my doctor could sign off on the medications and send the prescription to the pharmacy. She assured me that they would be ready to pick up on Thursday, three days before we were to begin injections.

Thursday rolled around, and I still hadn't received a phone call from the pharmacy (I did update my phone number on file when I called the first time), so I called again to check the status. Again -- they hadn't received anything! Argh! So I had to call the doctor's office AGAIN to ask them to send my prescription information over. They did and said it would be ready to pick up on Friday.

I was starting to fret that we wouldn't actually get our medications in time to start the injections when we were supposed to. Also, have I mentioned in the past how much I hate talking on the phone? This was involving way too much phone communication for my likes! Friday I called the pharmacy for the third time, and much to my relief, they said that my medications were ready for me to pick them up.

When I did pick them up, I asked the pharmacist if the prescriptions came with a sharps container, alcohol swabs, and gauze. He checked in the bag and saw the sharps container,  then grabbed a box of alcohol swabs, but when I got home -- no gauze. Alas. Also, it turned out we still had two boxes of alcohol swabs from the last cycle, plus one of the medications came with alcohol swabs in the box, so basically we have enough to disinfect all the things for the rest of time. But I digress.

A different man rang up my medications at the counter, and when he checked them out, he said something to the effect of, "I'm so happy for you! This is so exciting!" It was kind of bubbly and it made me smile. Thanks for the positive vibes, random pharmacist!

Anyways, I had my first injection this morning. Happily enough, I only need one shot a day instead of three. Also happily, this medication (Lupron) doesn't require us to mix the powder with the diluent -- it's all ready to go in the vial. And I feel like we're almost pros at this by now. I pulled up the injection training video to show to Jacob (I watched it myself yesterday) while I drew up the medication in the syringe. Like a boss, I might even say. Three years ago it took us about half an hour to watch the video, pause, follow the directions, watch some more, etc. It was much more efficient this time.  But since I'm still squeamish about watching needles go into my skin -- or anyone else's -- I had Jacob give it to me. (In theory, I could give them to myself, since this medication is subcutaneous and goes in my stomach.) It didn't hurt too badly at the time of the injection, but it did give me a little lump or bubble under my skin and it turned the area around the injection site red and painful for a couple hours afterward.

On a side note, I'm going to have to be careful about not letting Marie jump on me -- sometimes she likes to stand on me while I'm laying down, and I can foresee painful things happening if she jumps on my stomach. Also, I was a little worried that she would want to watch what Jacob and I were doing and that she'd get freaked out by the needle, but we just set her in front of Youtube and she didn't even notice. Oh, technology.

Well, I suppose this has gone on long enough. Until next time.

Round two

I'm not quite sure where to begin with this post. My thoughts have been swirling around for a while, so forgive the jumble of ideas.

In short, we're getting ready for another round of IVF this summer. If all goes according to plan, I'll start injections in the beginning of July and we'll transfer embryos the first week of August.

My feelings regarding this process are quite different from the first time we went through this.

Before Marie, it felt like there was a hole in my heart that ached for a baby. Before, there was longing and desperation and tears and anguish each month that we didn't get pregnant. Before, I was fragile; prone to shatter at news of a pregnancy announcement or the passing of Mother's Day or even seeing a woman rock her baby.

When we went through the first round of IVF, I convinced myself that it had to work -- after all we'd been through, I couldn't allow myself to dwell on the possibility that it would fail.

And obviously, it did work. All of the pain and waiting paid off. Marie has healed our broken hearts. She has brought laughter and delight and sunshine into our lives. And yes, she can be frustrating sometimes, but overall she is such a joy and has a positive countenance that everyone loves to be around. We have been blessed beyond measure, and I am in awe each day for the miracle she is.

So now that we're gearing up for round two, my feelings have changed. Instead of the agonizing desperation for a baby, I look at other newborns and think, "I want another one." I'm no longer rocked to the core when I see pregnant women or babies. I look forward to feeling a baby move inside me and newborn snuggles and first smiles and other milestones.

But as far as the whole IVF process goes, I mostly feel worry -- we've been so blessed already, how could we hope to have the same thing happen twice? And my mind is full of "what ifs?"

What if the embryos don't survive the thaw?

What if they survive the thaw but don't implant?

What if one does implant, but then I miscarry?

What if they both implant, but I lose one like last time?

What if I get pregnant, carry the baby to term, but then have a stillborn?

What if we end up with twins?

Naturally, that last one is definitely the most preferable of all those possibilities, but after raising one baby to toddlerhood, having twins is something I no longer really desire. We basically have to transfer two embryos, though -- we only have two left, and they're frozen together in the same tube. If we defrosted both, and refroze one of them, the chance that it could later develop into a baby is around 10 percent. We decided the odds weren't worth it, and we may as well transfer both.

Apparently since we did our first round of IVF, the clinic now freezes the best three embryos individually and the rest of the embryos in pairs (if you're fortunate enough to have more than 3 make it to freezing, I suppose). I kind of wish they had frozen our embryos individually so we at least had the option of transferring one. Because if we transfer both and it fails, I don't know when we'll next be able to go through the whole process again. It would require doing another egg retrieval, and all of the appointments involved is not really conducive to a teacher's schedule.

And if it fails, will I really be able to put myself through the whole process again?

1 year old!

Marie turned one year old on Monday. I'm still a bit in disbelief. This year has flown by!

Current weight: 20 lbs, 9 oz (~65th percentile)
Current height: 28 inches (~15th percentile)
Current head circumference: 45.3 cm (~50th percentile)

Marie has only gained 5 ounces and 1 inch since her 9 month appointment, so her growing has definitely slowed down.

Milestones:
-She celebrated her first birthday! On Monday we gave her a birthday chocolate chip cookie and yesterday at her family party she had her first cupcake. She destroyed them both.
-She drank whole milk for the first time this week. No more pumping at work for me! I've never felt so free!
-Marie had two more bottom teeth cut through in the last week or so. So now she has three bottom teeth and no top teeth.
-We've let her play in the grass at the park more often and she may or may not have attempted to eat a leaf. Or several leaves.
-She has finally started walking while holding onto one of our hands and has taken a step or two on her own. Marie is pretty balanced when standing.
-Marie has figured out how to open the bathroom door (it opens inward, so all she has to do is push on it), which means the toilet is no longer safe. On that same vein, she's discovered toilet paper. We're in trouble!

Current likes:
-Her favorite foods include pasta, yogurt, carrots, sweet potatoes, bananas, applesauce, turkey, ham, oatmeal, and bread.
-Marie likes being outside and swinging at the park.
-Marie has taken a much greater interest in books this month. This may be in part because they're more accessible now -- we acquired a basket to put all her books in, so she's able to reach them better than when they were on the bookcase. So she frequently pulls all her books out and turns the pages as she looks at them.
-She likes exploring the apartment, including finding minuscule crumbs and eating them off the floor, whether they're actually food items or not.
-Marie likes grabbing our hands and making us clap. She still won't clap herself. Silly girl.
-She likes getting tossed in the air.
-In addition to her regular toys, Marie has taken a shining to an empty wipes container. She likes to shake it and hug it like it's her one true friend.
-Marie likes chewing on the ends of our belts. Maybe it feels good on her gums?

Current dislikes:
-She hasn't been a fan of tart or acidic foods, like strawberries, clementines, tuna salad (with pickle relish -- she seemed to like plain tuna fine), and a sweet-and-sour type chicken dish.
-She's a little bit of a mama's girl, and when other people hold her she looks a little uncertain and tends to hold her arms out to me. But let the record show she doesn't cry when this happens! She really is the best baby.

Other odds and ends:
-Marie has started imitating us more and has gotten much more interactive with playing games. She was copying me playing Peek-a-Boo by covering her head with a blanket one day. We also took turns balancing cups on our heads.
-I've started letting her spoon-feed herself thick oatmeal (so it doesn't fall off the spoon when she inevitably turns the spoon upside down). I load up the spoon and hand it to her, and she hands it back to me when she's finished with it and wants more.
-Marie might have a patch of eczema on her knee. It doesn't seem to bother her too much, but it's still a bit sad.
-Now that I've finished a year of updates for Marie, I may be making this blog private again in the next few months. While there aren't any immediate plans for baby #2, when the time comes it'll give me a chance to document that process before we're ready to announce anything.

Sometimes Marie wakes up for a not-quite-midnight snack and gets a fit of the giggles.