How far along? 8 weeks

Size of bab(ies): At 8 weeks, they are now each the size of a raspberry. Or a kidney bean.  

Sleep: I've been having the craziest dreams lately. Some of them have been a little disturbing, too. A couple nights ago I tried going to bed around 8:30 because I was tired but couldn't fall asleep until my normal bedtime of 10:00, so that was slightly tragic. And on the weekends I usually take a nap during Marie's nap.
Total weight gain: ?
Unglamorous body changes: None that I can think of.
Best moment this week: 
Movement: I thought I felt a spasm in my uterus today, but I'm sure it wasn't produced by the babies.
Maternity clothes: None yet.
Food cravings/aversions: I don't know whether these necessarily qualify as "cravings," but in the last couple weeks I've gone out of my way to purchase Ritz crackers, tuna fish, and instant mashed potatoes. 
Symptoms: Last week I was feeling a little queasy in the mornings, but it also went away by the time I left for work. I've been more tired than usual (though that could be related to back-to-school tiredness), and the ladies are tender. 
Currently looking forward to: The weekend. And being done with the progesterone injections (only 13 left!). 
Realization of the week: 
Other tidbits: On Sunday, August 28th, I went to the bathroom before going to bed and there was some blood on the toilet paper and in the toilet. Obviously, this was concerning, so the next day when I was at work I had Jacob call the doctor's office to see if I should go in for an ultrasound. They were able to squeeze me in after hours (which I'm hoping won't lead to a higher bill, but we'll see) for an ultrasound. The doctor couldn't see any cause for the blood or for any concern. There were two heartbeats, and the embryos were measuring exactly the same -- 6 weeks 6 days (2 days ahead of schedule). They each had the same heart rate, too -- 130 bpm. I had the impression that maybe we'd have twin boys when I heard the measurements, but we'll see. It still hasn't sunk in that we may have twins. Since twins implanted last time, I'm still kind of expecting one of them to stop growing. I'm going back for another ultrasound in two weeks to see if they keep progressing. 

I also scheduled an appointment with a midwife I found that will treat women who are pregnant with multiples. She came highly recommended from a few friends, and I'm hopeful it will be a positive experience!

I suppose it's time for an update.

I started the PIO injections about two and a half weeks ago, and having them done in the actual correct location has made a big difference! The first day I barely felt the needle go in, but I had a huge knot in my hip the rest of the day. After that Jacob started massaging the injection site afterwards and that has helped tremendously. Some days are more painful (and bloody) than others, but overall I think this has been a more positive experience than last time. The worst part is usually feeling the oil enter my muscle, rather than the needle going in.

We had our embryo transfer on August 2nd. We had a neighbor watch Marie, and worrying about traffic, we arrived at the clinic super early -- I think 45 minutes before our appointment. And then they didn't call us back for another 20 or 30 minutes after it was supposed to start, so it was a lot of waiting time.

We found out that both embryos survived the thaw, and we decided to transfer both, since the odds of an embryo surviving a second freeze and thaw was much lower. This time around, I didn't take any Valium beforehand, and I only had to wait for maybe five minutes after the procedure to get up and leave. (Last time I had to wait 30 minutes and they wheeled me out in a wheelchair.) This time around was much more preferable!

I also was not put on bed rest this time around, so I pretty much resumed activity as normal -- I still made dinner that evening, and I played with and took care of Marie. I did opt to go to my classroom the following day instead of babysitting Kayla and Cooper (Jacob went in my place), but that was mostly because I was feeling angsty about getting everything finished before school starts.

I tried to stay busy to keep my mind off the potential pregnancy, but it's still hard not to read into symptoms -- or lack thereof. I remembered that with my last transfer, I woke up in the middle of the night twice with really bad cramps, which I assumed was implantation cramping. This time, I didn't really have much of any symptoms at all, which made me nervous that maybe the embryos didn't take. I've had some dull cramps off and on, but nothing super noteworthy, and I've possibly been more tired than usual, but that could also be due to staying up late to watch the Olympics. :) I also had two weeping sessions this past week -- once after finding out we were hit with a $750 bill for the sonohysterogram I had in June (which was later reduced by about $200 since our insurance didn't cover it at all -- lame insurance), and once after spending 3 hours at a car place to get an oil change, tire rotation, and a car wash. (In my defense, I was supposed to meet my team at Walmart at a certain time to buy school supplies; the guy told me it'd be an hour and a half, tops; and after the car was finished it took an extra 30 or 40 minutes JUST to get the keys back from the car wash station. And I was stressing about being late!) I had some pretty bad heartburn last Saturday night, which is something I had a lot with my pregnancy with Marie, though I don't think that started until my second or third trimester.

But as for the first four or five days after the transfer, I didn't feel any different from before. All this to say, I needed some spark of hope that the embryos took before my blood test yesterday, so last Monday -- six days after the transfer, which is the equivalent to 11 days past ovulation -- I took a pregnancy test. And then I took additional ones on Wednesday and Friday. All of them came back positive, and the lines grew progressively darker with each test.

So I wasn't super surprised when the nurse called me yesterday (and yes, I was irreverent and took a phone call during Sacrament meeting, but I went out to the foyer before picking up) to say that I'm pregnant! What was a surprise, however, was the hCG level she gave me. She said that they're looking for a level around 100 at this point in pregnancy. My level was 1,812. Eighteen times the amount they're looking for! For reference, my hCG level at this point with Marie was around 700 or so. And that pregnancy started with twins, though we (obviously) lost one of the babies early on.

I know it's impossible to determine the number of babies based on a single hCG test, but this still makes me think that we may have multiples. I'm not sure how I feel about this yet -- it still feels unreal. I don't really feel pregnant at all (I know, I know, it's early.) I go in for a second blood test tomorrow to make sure my levels are rising, and I'm supposed to schedule a viability ultrasound the last week of August/first week of September to check how the embryos are doing. I'll be back to work by then, so I'm hoping to get an appointment on a Friday afternoon, even though that means waiting longer to find out. But since we learned that Baby B stopped growing shortly after our first viability ultrasound last time, I'd almost rather wait until 7 weeks to have an ultrasound. Almost like, if we have twins but one stops growing early on, it would be easier to find out after the fact rather than hoping that they both pull through. If that makes sense.

I'm also supposed to schedule my first OB appointment, but I haven't picked a provider yet! I still haven't decided whether to go with an OB or a midwife -- if we have multiples, that'll make my choice for me, as the midwife group associated with the hospital I'll be delivering at doesn't provide services for multiples. But I also don't really want to schedule with an OB before I know how many there are. (Not that I have anything against OBs -- I just like the idea of a midwife being with me during the whole labor process, as I felt quite alone and unsure of everything that was going on with Marie's labor and delivery.)

Anyway, this has gone on long enough.

Baby(ies) coming around April 19th, 2017!

This morning I had my screening ultrasound to make sure everything looks a-okay before the embryo transfer in one week. With the morning traffic, it took about 50 minutes to get to the clinic and about 3 minutes for the ultrasound. (As the clinic is really close to the hospital I gave birth at with Marie, I'm feeling quite glad we decided to change networks -- I can't imagine being in the car that long while in labor!) My ovaries are free of cysts and my endometrial lining is "trilaminar," which basically means it has three layers, which is what they're looking for. They were also looking for a thickness above 7.5 millimeters, and mine was 8.7 mm, so that's encouraging.

After the ultrasound I met with the nurse to go over the protocol for the rest of the cycle. Apparently the dose of progesterone I need to take this time is double the dose I took last time -- since my ovaries have been suppressed this whole time, they aren't making any progesterone on their own. I won't lie -- I watched the injection training video last night and started getting some major anxiety about these shots, so hearing that news did not make me feel any better! The nurse also took her pen and drew circles on my hips to show the appropriate locations for the injections. I wish they had done that last time -- after looking at the placement, we definitely did not do the shots in the right spot three years ago. Good thing it still worked! I think I may have Jacob re-draw them every few days so they don't fade too much.

Anyway, I got home and showed Jacob the circles, which is when I noticed for the first time that she had drawn frowny faces inside each one. The nurse mentioned that my "hips would start twitching" (comforting, no?) so I suppose that was her way of expressing sympathy? Marie saw them and immediately requested that she get faces on her back, too. Ha!

I am a little nervous about the possibility of Marie watching the progesterone injections. She's watched a couple of the Lupron ones and hasn't seemed to care, but those needles are small and I don't usually have much of a reaction to them. The progesterone ones, though, are a different story. So I'm trying to figure out what time of day we should do them. It can't be during her nap because I go back to work in three weeks, and if I get pregnant we'll need to do them probably through the end of September. We could potentially do them in the evening after she goes to bed, but on occasion I have activities in the evening that take me away from home. The other option is to do them before she wakes up in the morning, but since she wakes up early -- usually 6:30 or earlier -- that would require waking up quite early for it still being summer break! Maybe we'll just end up distracting her with Youtube in the morning and then do them in our bedroom or something.

Anyway, I found out that they'll do the beta blood test twelve days after the transfer, which would be August 14th, three days before I go back to work. I did buy three cheap pregnancy tests after my appointment today, so I'll probably start testing around August 10th or so just to get an idea whether it worked or not. I'd like some preparation either way before the fateful phone call we get.

To think -- in just over two weeks, we could find out we're having a baby! (Or . . . not, but let's not dwell on those thoughts too much.)

As of tomorrow, I will have officially taken three weeks' worth of Lupron injections. I also started taking Estrace about a week and a half ago. This is in pill form, and I started with taking 1/2 a pill, two times a day, for a full week. Now I'm up to a full pill, three times a day, and will continue to do so for a full week. Then it goes back to the original dose. I have alarms set on my phone to go off three times a day and everything organized in one of those pill containers with the days of the week on them to help me remember everything I need to take. It makes me feel . . . somewhat elderly. :)

I have my screening ultrasound this coming Tuesday, and I received a message from my nurse saying we're planning the transfer the Tuesday after that! Along with that, though, we officially start the PIO (progesterone in oil) injections this coming Thursday, which Jacob and I refer to as "the bum shots." And if I get pregnant (pleasepleaseplease), those will likely continue until mid-September. Shudder.

With all of this looming closer, I've been researching different OBGYNs, midwives, and hospitals like a crazy person. I liked the OBGYN I had with Marie, but his clinic and the hospital were both a half an hour away, and I just don't really want to make that much of a drive for each appointment. Plus, since I had a pretty fast labor with Marie, I don't want to chance not making it to the hospital in time. Since 'tis the season for Open Enrollment, we're planning to change networks to have more conveniently-located providers. I think we're set on the hospital I'd like to deliver at, based largely on word-of-mouth and Google searches, and it's only about 15 minutes away from our apartment. I'm still not sure whether I want to go with a midwife or an OBGYN -- I kind of like the idea of having a midwife. Although I suppose that idea will likely crumble into a million smithereens if we have twins, so I suppose we'll wait and see before making any decisions.

Today was my last day taking birth control. According to my FET calendar, that means I should expect my period to start sometime within the next week. And this is on top of the consistent breakthrough bleeding that's been happening for the last 3 weeks.

WILL THE BLEEDING NEVER CEASE?!?

It's really starting to get a girl down.

In other news, I'm starting to feel some of side effects from the Lupron, namely occasional mild nausea/upset stomach, breast tenderness, and the related problems of trouble sleeping, increased urination at night, and tiredness.

I was looking up Lupron to see if increased weepiness was a side effect, but apparently it's just the side effect of potty training after getting very little sleep the night before. I was full-on ugly crying after Marie had a huge accident this morning -- she woke up with a dry diaper, which was awesome, but didn't pee on the potty when I set her on it. And then of course once she got off and put her shorts back on, it all came rushing out like a waterfall. Much like my tears. Life didn't seem so bleak after I had a nap, though.

Here we go again

Our FET (frozen embryo transfer) cycle has officially begun. Not that I think this post will be any entertaining reading, but here's what we've done so far.

I had to start birth control on day three of my period in June, so I've been on that for the past three and a half weeks and have experienced, much to my chagrin, "breakthrough bleeding" for the last two weeks or more. So out of the last four weeks I've basically been bleeding for three of them, which is super annoying.

A few weeks ago I had a blood test to check my thyroid levels, which turned out just fine. That marked the first needle of many I'm to encounter this go around -- but it definitely won't be as many as last time!

A little over a week ago I had a sonohysterogram and a trial transfer, basically to determine what my uterus looks like and make sure the catheter has a clear pathway to transfer the embryos when the time comes. Before they could do the procedure, they had me take a pregnancy test. Wouldn't that have been a shock if it came back positive, especially after being on birth control! But, to no one's surprise, it was negative. The RE said everything looks great and we can proceed as scheduled.

Now this is the part where I was getting all sorts of angsty. We had our initial consultation with our doctor in February, but since we were planning having the transfer in August, it was too far away to get scheduled on the calendar. One of the nurses contacted me in April so we could get the calendar hashed out, and she mentioned that she sent my prescription over to the pharmacy. I wasn't worried about getting the medications right then, since I knew we wouldn't need them until the summer. Right around this time, my phone broke, and I didn't bother getting a replacement until two months later, along with a new phone number.

At that point, I started wondering if the pharmacy had tried calling me on my old number, so I called to check the status of my prescriptions -- only to find out that they hadn't had anything on my file since the first time we did IVF.

So I sent a message to my nurse, asking if we had to pay for the cycle before we could get the prescription filled,  since we hadn't done that yet. She didn't respond, but I had to call and schedule my sonohysterogram anyway, and I was able to get transferred to her afterward. She said that she wouldn't be able to send the prescription over until after my appointment.

We paid for the cycle at my appointment on the 24th (side note: it was so much cheaper this time -- it cost a little over $3,000 opposed to close to $20,000), and afterward the nurse then said that she couldn't send the prescription over until the following Wednesday, citing some reason that that was the day my doctor held appointments at the hospital and could therefore review the medications. She said she'd schedule me for an "appointment" Wednesday morning that I didn't have to attend, so that my doctor could sign off on the medications and send the prescription to the pharmacy. She assured me that they would be ready to pick up on Thursday, three days before we were to begin injections.

Thursday rolled around, and I still hadn't received a phone call from the pharmacy (I did update my phone number on file when I called the first time), so I called again to check the status. Again -- they hadn't received anything! Argh! So I had to call the doctor's office AGAIN to ask them to send my prescription information over. They did and said it would be ready to pick up on Friday.

I was starting to fret that we wouldn't actually get our medications in time to start the injections when we were supposed to. Also, have I mentioned in the past how much I hate talking on the phone? This was involving way too much phone communication for my likes! Friday I called the pharmacy for the third time, and much to my relief, they said that my medications were ready for me to pick them up.

When I did pick them up, I asked the pharmacist if the prescriptions came with a sharps container, alcohol swabs, and gauze. He checked in the bag and saw the sharps container,  then grabbed a box of alcohol swabs, but when I got home -- no gauze. Alas. Also, it turned out we still had two boxes of alcohol swabs from the last cycle, plus one of the medications came with alcohol swabs in the box, so basically we have enough to disinfect all the things for the rest of time. But I digress.

A different man rang up my medications at the counter, and when he checked them out, he said something to the effect of, "I'm so happy for you! This is so exciting!" It was kind of bubbly and it made me smile. Thanks for the positive vibes, random pharmacist!

Anyways, I had my first injection this morning. Happily enough, I only need one shot a day instead of three. Also happily, this medication (Lupron) doesn't require us to mix the powder with the diluent -- it's all ready to go in the vial. And I feel like we're almost pros at this by now. I pulled up the injection training video to show to Jacob (I watched it myself yesterday) while I drew up the medication in the syringe. Like a boss, I might even say. Three years ago it took us about half an hour to watch the video, pause, follow the directions, watch some more, etc. It was much more efficient this time.  But since I'm still squeamish about watching needles go into my skin -- or anyone else's -- I had Jacob give it to me. (In theory, I could give them to myself, since this medication is subcutaneous and goes in my stomach.) It didn't hurt too badly at the time of the injection, but it did give me a little lump or bubble under my skin and it turned the area around the injection site red and painful for a couple hours afterward.

On a side note, I'm going to have to be careful about not letting Marie jump on me -- sometimes she likes to stand on me while I'm laying down, and I can foresee painful things happening if she jumps on my stomach. Also, I was a little worried that she would want to watch what Jacob and I were doing and that she'd get freaked out by the needle, but we just set her in front of Youtube and she didn't even notice. Oh, technology.

Well, I suppose this has gone on long enough. Until next time.

Round two

I'm not quite sure where to begin with this post. My thoughts have been swirling around for a while, so forgive the jumble of ideas.

In short, we're getting ready for another round of IVF this summer. If all goes according to plan, I'll start injections in the beginning of July and we'll transfer embryos the first week of August.

My feelings regarding this process are quite different from the first time we went through this.

Before Marie, it felt like there was a hole in my heart that ached for a baby. Before, there was longing and desperation and tears and anguish each month that we didn't get pregnant. Before, I was fragile; prone to shatter at news of a pregnancy announcement or the passing of Mother's Day or even seeing a woman rock her baby.

When we went through the first round of IVF, I convinced myself that it had to work -- after all we'd been through, I couldn't allow myself to dwell on the possibility that it would fail.

And obviously, it did work. All of the pain and waiting paid off. Marie has healed our broken hearts. She has brought laughter and delight and sunshine into our lives. And yes, she can be frustrating sometimes, but overall she is such a joy and has a positive countenance that everyone loves to be around. We have been blessed beyond measure, and I am in awe each day for the miracle she is.

So now that we're gearing up for round two, my feelings have changed. Instead of the agonizing desperation for a baby, I look at other newborns and think, "I want another one." I'm no longer rocked to the core when I see pregnant women or babies. I look forward to feeling a baby move inside me and newborn snuggles and first smiles and other milestones.

But as far as the whole IVF process goes, I mostly feel worry -- we've been so blessed already, how could we hope to have the same thing happen twice? And my mind is full of "what ifs?"

What if the embryos don't survive the thaw?

What if they survive the thaw but don't implant?

What if one does implant, but then I miscarry?

What if they both implant, but I lose one like last time?

What if I get pregnant, carry the baby to term, but then have a stillborn?

What if we end up with twins?

Naturally, that last one is definitely the most preferable of all those possibilities, but after raising one baby to toddlerhood, having twins is something I no longer really desire. We basically have to transfer two embryos, though -- we only have two left, and they're frozen together in the same tube. If we defrosted both, and refroze one of them, the chance that it could later develop into a baby is around 10 percent. We decided the odds weren't worth it, and we may as well transfer both.

Apparently since we did our first round of IVF, the clinic now freezes the best three embryos individually and the rest of the embryos in pairs (if you're fortunate enough to have more than 3 make it to freezing, I suppose). I kind of wish they had frozen our embryos individually so we at least had the option of transferring one. Because if we transfer both and it fails, I don't know when we'll next be able to go through the whole process again. It would require doing another egg retrieval, and all of the appointments involved is not really conducive to a teacher's schedule.

And if it fails, will I really be able to put myself through the whole process again?